An Affair doesn't have to be the end of your marriage. In this article, we'll discuss how you can heal after an affair and how it can make your relationship greater than ever.
Your beliefs about yourself, your spouse, and the affair dictate your reality
Has there been an affair in your marriage? Do you feel stuck and unable to move forward? Whether you think you can’t move past it, or you can, that belief will dictate what happens next. Are you willing to let go of all the limiting beliefs that are holding the pain, hurt, resentment, anger, hatred, victimization, and triggers in place? If you are, read on...
The cost of holding onto the affair
What’s the cost of keeping one foot in, and one foot out in healing your marriage after an affair? You suffer unnecessarily. When you hold onto your anger, resentment, judgment, punishment, sadness, feelings of being unloved, feelings of not being good enough, and disbelief that this could happen to you... you’re the one who gets robbed of:
When you keep holding on for long enough:
How you choose to react and feel about the affair changes everything
We’re not saying, close your eyes, pretend it never happened and move on. We’re not saying it’s not ok for you to feel the way you feel. We're not saying that you should do anything differently than you are right now, other than understanding the implications of what you are doing. What we’re saying is that the way we look at our pain creates our own suffering. We can’t change if our partner had an affair. It happened. And we can change how we react to it and how we CHOOSE to feel about it.
Understanding why the affair happened
If we cling to the story that they don't love us, respect us, care about us, that they are selfish, etc, we can't get unstuck from the cycle of feeling victimized and thus disempowered in our relationship and life choices. If we truly want to move past an affair, we can choose to put all of our energy in the direction of doing so and healing by really understanding what happened. An affair does not happen because we are not loved, respected, cared for, understood, or because our spouse is selfish. That’s not a complete view of what’s going on. It’s so much more complex than that. If we don’t start by understanding what happened and why it happened, we can’t resolve it.
How to heal after an affair by focusing on the parts of yourself that are really helping you
We are complex beings. Relationships reflect that complexity. We have many different parts of ourselves that have many different perceived needs, beliefs, desires, insecurities, and misunderstandings. And we get into conflict between all these parts. The same is true of our spouse. The key to resolving your inner conflict after an affair is understanding which part of you is going to help you get what you want. And that’s definitely never going to be the part that feels victimized and disempowered into negative thoughts, feelings, emotions, and triggers.
Is your spouse blaming their affair on you?
Maybe your situation is even more complex because not only did your spouse have an affair but they also blame you for having it. Do they tell you that if you had done more of this, and been more of that, and paid them more respect, showed them more appreciation and love, then they wouldn't have cheated? Does that enrage you? Does that bring about more self doubt, shame, guilt, regret, and hatred of yourself and them? Do you feel like you failed in the relationship, and that if you had done what they say you didn't do, or that if you hadn't done what they say you did, then none of this would have happened? Does the blame that they place on you not only leaves you feeling disempowered, but also leads you to resent them, judge them, blame them, want to punish them for what they did, and distrust them even more than you already did? Is that helping you heal and move on in your relationship? It can't. It can only add up to more pain.
Release the belief that it takes a long time to heal you from an affair: that's a inbuilt limitation
If you go to a counselor or therapist and they tell you it takes 2-5 years to heal from an affair, then look for another counselor/ therapist to help you. If the person who’s supposed to guide you out of your pain holds such beliefs, they’re actually creating limitations in your capacity to heal quickly. And they most likely don't have the tools to help you bring about the results that you need to move past an affair effectively, and move on with your life in an empowered way. Why would anyone want to wait 2-5 years until they feel great and get back on track to achieve a great marriage and life? A lot can happen in 2-5 years, especially when we’re burdened with negative thoughts and emotions.
Look for tailored solutions that accelerate your healing after an affair
Look for solutions that will start bringing about the results that you want immediately, not in 2-5 years! If you’ve been reading books to help in your healing process, remember that reading a book is not enough to actually help you deal with your unique set of emotions and the specific dynamics of your relationship. If you needed surgery would you use a book to perform the surgery on yourself, or would you want an expert who uses precision, and who has a deep understanding about your specific situation to help you un-entangle yourself from your own mental and emotional process? No one situation is the exactly the same as another or as what you might read in a book. If you want great results, precision is key! So, what can you actually do that will help you heal and bring about constructive results in your relationship and life?
1- Commit to healing after the affair
First, you can choose to commit 100% to healing yourself and your relationship right now. No matter how difficult and challenging things get, remain focused on your intention!
2- Release all limiting beliefs about the affair
Next, you can release any and all beliefs that are dictating how things might unfold, and instead choose how you want things to unfold. In order to achieve this goal, you’ll need someone who understands beliefs, what creates them, and how they work, so that you can access what first creates them in your subconscious mind, and permanently release them.
3- Look for a solution so that you can heal after the affair
Once you’ve defined a clear path for what needs to happen next in order for you to heal and for your marriage to move past the affair, it’s time to look for a solution. If you’re ready to take that step, and don’t want to wait years living with triggers, pain, and fear of another affair, then check out the services that we offer. We have solutions - affordable to everyone - that will allow you to move past an affair swiftly and quickly and will allow you to resolve negative thoughts, feelings, emotions, and triggers PERMANENTLY.